S.O.B. Yoga!

2 weeks ago, I was on day 2 of a 3-day juice cleanse and day 3 of my 6-day “moon cycle”. I have been completely aware that I am still in a major transition and currently pushing through some sort of transformation, and it feels like hell. One of my favorite teachers, Dr. Donny Epstein, has cataloged life’s sequences of self-exploration into 3 seasons: discover, transform, and awaken. We are either in a time where we are learning new things about ourselves or even rediscovering parts of ourselves that we’ve buried, are transforming ourselves from those discoveries, or finally, awakening to the better version of ourselves that we grew into out of those discoveries.

Within the seasons are 4 stages, each giving us a set of 12 total to work through. I’ve been round and round this slinky-style merry-go-round, and the journey to higher and higher states of awareness is never-ending, although most of the world is paralyzed in fear about what they might find and never leave the first season of discover. Working this system is a great tool for me, especially since there are people who are trained to help you move through the stages. Sometimes I’ll be stuck in a season for months, sometimes only weeks or a day; I even have moved through a season in minutes. But I am definitely in transform… for the most part.

Back to a few weeks ago… I decided to go to a beginner’s yoga class since I wasn’t feeling like powering through anything. I had a week-long free pass, courtesy of alignyo.com, to this fairly new studio, Abhaya Yoga. Located on the waterfront in Dumbo Brooklyn, it has the makings of what I consider to be the perfect yoga studio. Beautiful space, hardwood floors, statues of my favorite Hindu Deities, chanting, the sound of the waves from the shoreline outside, and live music during the 6:30 pm class on Fridays. Yum!

I arrive at a 4:30 class where the instructor, Sara, quickly discovers most of the people in the room are more intermediate than beginner; I think the attending Tantric yoga instructor was the culprit that led to the interest in picking things up a bit. While I was warned, I wasn’t really sure what to expect, and next thing you know… Mother #!*$%&$!

You know when you take a class with the same instructor, you become accustomed to their teaching. You know the poses, your body is a little more stable, and you can focus more on breath and form. With a new instructor, you are definitely taken out of your comfort zone. We were in a sort of modified high lunge, with our right foot forward; then we placed both hands to the inside of our right leg and descended onto our forearms. We then tucked our right shoulder under our right knee and placed our right hand on the right foot, then our left hand on our right foot. I wasn’t immediately uncomfortable; otherwise I would have backed out of it a bit. But then, from the depth of my soul came the most heart-wrenching pain. Again, it wasn’t physical, but a deep emotional angst that only made me want to scream #!*$%&$! you, Mother #!*$%&$! S.O.B!!! All I could think to myself was, who is this, you little S.O.B? Who is this to have the nerve to make me think I am not good enough?

Before I got any answers, Sara had us pulling out of the pose. I thought I might have a little more time with the gremlin on the other side, but that wasn’t the case. I was still wiping away the tears by the end of class and assumed that what I discovered would soon reveal itself to me.

It’s not until now, the events of last week and my current mantras, that I became aware of the profound transformation that is still taking place. It’s definitely something I’ve been working on, but who isn’t? For some reason, it’s been one of my life’s hardest lessons to learn and something challenging for me to believe is true. Every day, whenever I feel less than or think something negative about myself, I spend the next minute saying some version of, “I am enough, I am worthy, I am love, I am! Thank you, thank you, thank you.” I know this is the road for me to travel on to fully awaken to the fact that this is the Truth, about you and about me. My conscious mind is just a stubborn S.O.B. that has kept me from believing it. But something broke apart 2 weeks ago; maybe that part of me just needed to be heard and never had a voice before. So whenever you’re feeling something not so good about yourself, confirm that you are the complete opposite, and that you are worthy and that you are love. Then be sure to give thanks to the Universe for helping you remember.