A Battle to the Death? Me vs. My Ego

*Disclaimer: This blog post was written in 2012. What I have learned since writing this is that the goal is not to get rid of the ego. You can’t get rid of your ego – it’s part of your humanness. However, you don’t want to be a slave to the ego either. Shadow work can help you identify what runs your ego, the parts of you that tell you you suck or that you don’t want to acknowledge. The learning to love yourself piece can help as well. It’s in that space where the healthy ego can flourish from a deep sense of self-worth that doesn’t stink of narcissism.

Here we are again. This time not on the battlefield. I see her lying before me in a hospital bed hooked up to life support, with still so much to say. This past year, it’s been a back-and-forth struggle between what I want, what I think I want, what I used to want, and what I think other people want from me. It’s been a year of choices, holding patterns, dreaming and praying, and that everything is going to turn out as I expected or even better. But here we are, once again caught between these versions of myself that obviously don’t get along, and not farther along on the path to living my ultimate reality, or so it would seem.

The split happened quite some time ago, and I can’t exactly pinpoint a date, but the awakening to the Spiritual self has been a beautiful process. While some things have gotten easier, more peaceful, beautiful, and graceful, the times when I am not in that grounded place look like a crazy person trying to get out of a straitjacket, which isn’t far from the truth. It’s been so painful at times that I have resorted to seeking old-school therapy to help me break down the patterns and the perspectives I am locked in because I can’t see what doesn’t serve me any longer.

Over the last few weeks, this has been our conversation. She talks to me in bursts of fury, rage, and anger. Between the pumps of air that are pushed into her lungs, I hear this:

“I feel drained, hopeless, the victim, almost all the Grace is gone. What’s up with that spare tire? My face is lopsided, my hair is lopsided, and my skin looks like a twelve-year-old's. I am always met with disappointment. I feel like I’ve been left out. I’m not worthy. I never get the guy. I never get the interview. I can’t lose that last stinkin’ 15 pounds. My debt has not moved in 10 years. I can’t see out of the hole. I feel alone.

Love. Let’s not talk about love. How many weddings have I been to? Wedding showers, baby showers, bachelorette parties? Then there are the bridesmaid dresses, wedding presents, flights to attend weddings, gifts for the kids, gifts for their kids' birthdays. Where is my G-d damn *ucking diamond ring? I am trying my best; I am doing the work. Can someone please throw me a bone?

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I am supposed to do with my life. What do I want to be when I grow up? Which of these roads will lead me to abundance? How can I feel loved, appreciated, worthy, successful?” 

Then I remember that nothing in this external world can bring happiness, satisfaction, and peace. If it does, it is temporary and the need for something different or more arrives. The only peace, love, and happiness can come from within and can only be given to me, by me. You can’t keep looking in the rearview mirror if you expect to move forward either. 

Then she says, 

“*uck that! I’ve prayed to Ganesha, Jesus, Mother Mary, Buddha, Lord Shiva, Mother Earth, the Universe, my guides, my ancestors, Spirit, God, Amma Bhagavan, the Light, the Archangels. I’ve prostrated, I’ve asked for help, I’ve surrendered. I’ve journaled, I’ve shared my experiences, I’ve cried. I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve followed Gurus, I’ve read countless books and articles. I’ve done vision boards and made God boxes; I’ve set intentions. I’ve been entrained, balanced, and had my chakras cleared. I’ve done yoga, reiki, and danced my passion. I’ve taken salt baths, the advice of astrologers, and held hopes high due to premonitions from psychics. I’ve walked a medicine wheel, traveled to sacred places, and I’ve run naked through the desert. I am exhausted. I am lost. I am helpless.”

I breathe deeply. I look at her. Sometimes I can respond immediately, and sometimes it can take a day or two, but this is what we both know to be true, even if she pretends not to hear me. 

I am. I am infinite, and I am a co-creator of my reality. I have trust and faith that it will all work out. I feel the support of the Universe and the synchronicity of my reality flows. I exercise on a regular basis and choose better foods. If I eat something that isn’t ideal, I can forgive myself because I am in excellent health, am active and fit, and am beautiful just the way I am. I love myself. I am enough. I am worthy. My meditation practice is deeper. I can see the beauty in everything. It’s easier for me to focus and take action to reach my goals. I am motivated. I am not bogged down by my past, the present, or what my future is supposed to look like. I can see clearly only what needs to happen in this moment. I am grateful for what I have in this moment, and I make choices that can support me in the future. I am not worried about money, and my future holds everything I’ve asked for and more than I could ever imagine. I know who I am. I know why I am here. I know what I am made of and my only question is, how can I serve? I can feel Grace showering down on me; I can remember the contract I made before I came into this world. I am never alone. The ultimate goal I know is not to be loved, but to be Love, no matter what this reality looks like. 

I am not sure if my ego is going to make it. She’s one tough cookie who has sailed this ship to victory but also to deserted islands where faith has been lost at sea. She’s been a best friend, my biggest fan, and of course my worst critic and enemy. I don’t know what it’s going to look like without her by my side, and I know that’s where the fear is. I am holding her hand as tightly as she is holding mine. But I am ready to pull the plug so she is only there in spirit and Spirit takes over. The Universe is calling for me to surrender.